Week 3 SEC Power Rankings: Shaky Knees
Each week we rank the 14 teams (for now) that occupy our favorite football conference in the whole wide world. This week, we’re thinking about concerts.
It’s the third week of the season and the conference as a whole has looked like a hastily assembled festival lineup so far, with a lot of forgettable performances occasionally punctuated by the spectacular. So, let’s give everyone a song that sums up the opening games.
14. Vanderbilt Commodores (2-1)
Last week: 14th, L to Wake Forest (36-20)
When you’re a team like Vanderbilt trying to make a bowl game, the margin for error essentially doesn’t exist in nonconference games. Which is not to say that the Commodores would have, or should have, beaten Wake Forest on Saturday — but a botched punt return and a misfired snap on Saturday very might well be the difference between being in Shreveport in December or staying at home.
Song: By and By, Caamp
Clark Lea’s favorite band ruminates on a past relationship, and regrets the things they could’ve done while it still could have made a difference. If the Commodores end up missing out on the postseason once again, they’ll be thinking about these missed opportunities every day.
13. Missouri Tigers (2-0)
Last week: 12th, W over MTSU (23-19)
The hockey players of the Letterkenny cinematic universe would have us believe that “they don’t ask how, they ask how many”, but you couldn’t draw up a much more uninspiring 2-0 start than the one the Tigers have put together this year. MTSU might be decent-ish this year, but there’s no good reason why Mizzou should be in a thriller with them at home. Unless they have a big surprise in store for Kansas State on Saturday, we’re going to have to start asking some tough questions about Eli Drinkwitz and his future in Columbia.
Song: That Don’t Impress Me Much, Shania Twain
Okay, so you’re (Mizzou alum) Brad Pitt. That don’t impress me much.
12. Florida Gators (1-1)
Last week: 13th, W over McNeese (49-7)
The good news for Gator fans is that it historically hasn’t mattered much how good Florida is when Tennessee comes to the Swamp. Despite a lackluster start to the year, Billy Napier has a huge opportunity to win over the Florida faithful if he can spring an upset against the suddenly shaky Tennessee offense.
Song: One More Time, Daft Punk
Great hook, not a lot of additional substance, way overplayed in the mid 2000s? Yeah, that sounds like Florida to me.
11. South Carolina Gamecocks (1-1)
Last week: 11th, W over Furman (47-21)
Still looked a bit shaky in the get-right game against Furman, which isn’t ideal with Georgia on deck next. A prediction, that game either ends in a shocking South Carolina victory or a 40-point Georgia blowout, without much possibility in between.
Song: Wagon Wheel, Darius Rucker
Is it objectively bad? No, but it’s also just not what you were hoping for. Still a lot of fun when someone throws it on and everyone is a few beers deep, but that’s about it.
10. Kentucky Wildcats (2-0)
Last week: 7th, W over EKU (28-7)
Uh, has anyone checked in on the Wildcats lately? Because I surely haven’t watched a second of either of their games, but the box scores are certainly concerning. Even in what should be a wide-open race for second place in the East, it’s hard to take Kentucky too seriously until they hit another gear in any of these games.
Song: As Good As I Once Was, Toby Keith
Kentucky has definitely been here a time or two, but that won’t stop us from worrying about if Mark Stoops has finally hit the dreaded glass ceiling in Lexington.
9. Mississippi State Bulldogs (2-0)
Last week: 10th, W over Arizona (31-24)
The Bulldogs continue to look thoroughly competent in the first year under Zach Arnett. We’ve seen well-coached and out-talented teams give LSU problems before, so keep an eye on Starkville this Saturday afternoon.
Song: A Pirate Looks at Forty, Jimmy Buffett
In honor of our dearly departed friends Mike Leach and Jimmy Buffett, it was just too hard to pass this one up.
8. Texas A&M Aggies (1-1)
Last week: 6th, L to Miami (48-33)
There are two wolves inside of you. One wants to chalk this loss up to Miami actually being pretty good. Then, there’s a much more handsome and powerful wolf that wants to laugh at Jimbo’s exorbitant contract and the idea that anyone thought Bobby Petrino was going to be the one to fix this offense.
Song: Goodbye Earl, The Chicks
Just in case anyone over at the Texas A&M Board of Regents needs any ideas about how to get out of an abusive relationship free of consequences.
Halftime: Week 3 Picks
This year, we’re picking every game an SEC team plays and keeping track. No spreads, just straight-up picks to see how well we know ball. So far, we’re 24-5 on the year.
LSU gets back on track against a plucky Mississippi State in Starkville
Mizzou sputters trying to keep up with Kansas State
Alabama plays all three quarterbacks in a dominating performance over USF
Georgia sits on South Carolina for four quarters
Texas A&M beats UL Monroe
Tennessee has too much speed for Florida in the Swamp
Auburn gives up a few too many points, beats Samford anyways
Vanderbilt keeps bowl hopes alive in Vegas over UNLV
Ole Miss rambles to 70 points against Georgia Tech
Arkansas maintains early season momentum, tops BYU
Kentucky starts slow again but comfortably beats Akron
7. Auburn Tigers (2-0)
Last week: 9th, W over Cal (14-10)
Not that anyone was watching at almost 1 am eastern time, but the Tigers really should have lost in Berkeley on Saturday. The reckoning for Hugh Freeze’s team surely won’t come this weekend against Samford, but the following five-game stretch is absolutely brutal and Auburn would be lucky to emerge from it with a winning record still intact.
Song: Someday Never Comes, Creedence Clearwater Revival
Then again, maybe Freeze still is the offensive genius Auburn fans think he is and that reckoning never does come. Maybe!
6. Arkansas Razorbacks (2-0)
Last Week: 8th, W over Kent State (28-6)
Look, the Hogs might be good and they might not be, but given the chaos in the rest of the division this really might be their year to make it to Atlanta. It’s a true who knows situation. Let’s watch John Daly kick some fields goals and just enjoy the ride.
Song: My Name is Jonas, Weezer
A song that has absolutely no right to go as hard as it does, and was also inspired by lead singer Rivers Cuomo’s brother who was having insurance problems following a car crash which sounds incredibly Arkansas.
5. LSU Tigers (1-1)
Last week: 4th, W over Grambling (72-10)
Go take care of Mississippi State this week then we’ll talk about you again, Tigers.
Song: Duffle Bag Boy, Playaz Circle
I don’t know, it was kind of a tortured bit doing all the songs for this week’s rankings and I just love this song. Louisiana native Lil Wayne is in it? Is that good enough?
4. Alabama Crimson Tide (1-1)
Last week: 2nd, L to Texas (34-24)
The stunning part of Saturday’s loss to Texas wasn’t mediocre quarterback play, or the big plays the Longhorn wide receivers made. We’ve seen both of those play out before. It was that, maybe for the first time since 2007, Alabama got straight up beat on both lines for the entire game. There’s still a clear path for the Tide to get to the SEC title game and even the playoff, but it’ll be tough to shake that image the rest of the year.
Song: Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground, The White Stripes
A haunting recollection of a slowly smoldering relationship and the omnipresent specter of loneliness, laid over the top of Detroit grunge guitar riffs. Sometimes you realize this isn’t the beginning of the end, but something closer to the point of no return.
3. Tennessee Volunteers (2-0)
Last Week: 3rd, W over Austin Peay (30-13)
Wow, that last entry got bleak. Let’s turn to a happier note with *checks notes* oh, uh, that interesting offensive performance by Tennessee. Man, this conference is really on one this week. Uh, Play Run-Around!
Song: Run-Around, Blues Traveler
Well all right, okay, so be that way.
2. Ole Miss Rebels (2-0)
Last week: 5th, W over Tulane (37-20)
Is this an overreaction to one inspiring win set against a week of meh performances from more talented teams? You bet it is, because if nothing else we are going to focus on whatever brings us the most joy each week. The only hope this week is that Ole Miss doesn’t score too many touchdowns and tire itself out before the Alabama game the following week.
Song: You Need to Calm Down, Taylor Swift
Look, we know this isn’t going to last all year but noted Swiftie Lane Kiffin might be our best hope to break up the monotony we’ve seen the last few years in the conference. You’re the one who needs to calm down, not us.
1. Georgia Bulldogs (2-0)
Last week: 1st, W over Ball State (45-3)
Do you think Kirby Smart is asking offensive coordinator Mike Bobo to intentionally throw the first two drives of each game against an overmatched opponent just to have something to yell at his team about in the locker room? Something to consider.
Song: Unbelievers, Vampire Weekend
For as much as the Bulldogs have gotten off to slow starts this year, prompting the unbelievers among us to declare the dynasty dead, no one else has given a real reason to knock Georgia off the throne. Yet.